We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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