Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
