the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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