Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
