My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
