I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
