Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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