This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
third nipple confirmed
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
