1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
