Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
