Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
