I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
