I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
