Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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