Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
