the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
