after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
