you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
