I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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