my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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