I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Sext me about skeletons
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
