how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
