in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Randomize
