how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
