Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
