I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
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