so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
