i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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