I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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