you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
