halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
