I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Randomize
