fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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