I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
