So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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