I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
