it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Idk if I want to put a bra on
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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