Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
