I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
