there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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