so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
