I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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