yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
