She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
two words...techno handjob
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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