Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I looked at my own cervix.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
