The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
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