The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
