the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
