'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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