the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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