Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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